“On the conscious level, we are independent adults living our lives. On the unconscious level, however, our inner child exercises significant sway over our perception, behaviors, and ways of feeling and thinking.”
The Child in You, Stephanie Stahl
Throughout the year on my journey towards my perfect romantic Love, an aspect made itself vital. I would often find myself able to pin certain aspects, or even patterns, to my childhood experiences. And, while little did I know about this back then, the more I deepen the relationship with my one true love, Paco, the more this quote makes sense.
When seeking to achieve a mature, constructive, loving and harmonious relationship, we oftentimes focus on external aspects of ourselves. How we conduct ourselves, how we talk, what choices we make, that are expected of us according to our age. But, what if there was a hidden aspect of you. One that you may not even know was there? And moreso, what if this hidden part was the one actually directing all of your relationships, including your romantic ones?
In this week’s blog, I want to share with you how healing your inner child is crucial to manifest healthy, balanced relationships, also with your loved one.
Healing your inner child: The Key to Being Successful in Romance
What you may not know is that, most men and women are, in fact, children dressing up as adults. Why do I say this? Because most of the time, people’s inner children weren’t properly nurtured into maturity.
Imagine you have a plant, what does it need to grow strong and beautiful? Care, sun, soil, and water. Without one of these components, the plant won’t grow, or if it does, it will not grow strong and beautiful (like many scientists have been proving over the last couple of years).
What if we could translate this same example to your inner child? What would it need to grow appropriately into a mature adult? Proper food, probably some clothes, education, health, and emotional support. Take one of these away, and the maturing process will not be able to be completed. Without proper food and health, the brain and the body can not develop appropriately. Take education away, and the child will not be able to process abstract thinking, vital for their adulthood. Take emotional support and now you have a highly functional person -in the best case scenario- but who can’t handle their emotions correctly whenever a stressful situation arises.
And, for better or for worse, many of us have grown up in a household where one, or both parents lacked the capacity to nurture our child’s emotional needs. What would, then, happen is, the child (perhaps you?) will now be unable to find comfort and relief when under stress.
It has been proven that, when a child lacks the proper emotional support, they create coping mechanisms that, untreated, can lead to addictions. And, while unhealthy, these are the only ways in which that child was able to self-sooth.
How does a wounded inner child affect my relationships?
Since the first relationship you experience is the one with your parents, how you felt, and feel, about this relationship will set the tone for all the other relationships to come.
As your brain was building the constructs of your environment, it was building a picture of your world. Your perception of your mom, your dad, and your relationship with them was setting the tone in how you see yourself, and which place you were taking in it.
If you experienced your parents having a healthy relationship between them and with you, chances are you’ll feel relationships are safe. The opposite applies when you grew up in an environment where there was no healthy relationship between your parents, and with you. This may impact how you feel about your current partner, as many times, the constructs you have built as a child still remain with you, until a new choice is made. Hence, the importance of Healing your Inner Child.
How important is it to tend to our inner child?
With this in mind, we can become more aware of how important of a role does your inner child play in your relationships, and in your everyday life.
Similar to the plant example, our inner child, the essence of our innocence and vulnerability, craves acknowledgment and affection. Tending to him/her means embracing your vulnerabilities, fears, and desires with compassion and tenderness.
Even if you didn’t have parents who knew how to support you emotionally as a child, you can still find ways to connect to this little you that lives within, and provide the safety and comfort they needed.
By showering your inner child with love and acceptance, you create a safe enviroment for love to flourish, not only within yourself but also in your relationships. The more you do, the more trust you will also build with your inner child, who now feels there will always be someone to keep them safe. Even if your parents were unable to provide that for you growing up.
Self Regulation, the Foundation for Perfect Romance
Emotional self-regulation refers to the ability to process your own feelings without acting out on them. Especially, when you are feeling deeply triggered in a sensitive area of your psyque.
If you’ve been in any kind of relationship, you may have noticed how something someone does or says sparks a certain feeling. These feelings can be positive ones, and that is ok. But, what happens when the feelings that get triggered are fear, anger or anxiety? How capable are you to keep your cool and not react?
Reaction means that you are re-enacting a situation based on a memory. You don’t do this on purpose. You do it, because a part of your conscious self is seeking to resolve the emotional discomfort it is experiencing. These reactions can go from running away from certain situations, to yelling at the person who triggered you, among other possibilities.
As you connect with your inner child and offer them healing and safety, they will know that they can remain calm and even look at the situation with different eyes. Doing so will allow you to create the space necessary to speak about things with your partner from a higher and much more peaceful perspective. And this is what allows your bond to deepen, rather than break apart.