Updated: Nov 16
How many times have you dreamed (and still do) about having your perfect romantic relationship?
I know, I too was always dreaming about it.
Finding the man of my dreams was always one of my deepest desires. Since I was 6 years old, I knew that out of the more than 5 billion people on Earth, there had to be one person who was right for me. Later, I learned that, the person I was looking for was my Twin Flame.
But, in order for me to find him, I had to go out into the world and explore. And boy, did I explore!
I’ve only been in 3 serious romantic relationships from ages 18 to 32. I also swam through many one-night stands and occasional crushes on guys who, in the end, were unrequited love. To be honest? I’m glad they were, because this allowed me to find my One True Love. My beloved Paco. And, in the process of finding him, this experience taught me a few things I’d like to share with you.
True Love is Real
I know. You may be feeling a little bit skeptical about this affirmation. After all, how can anyone say true love exists after so many heartbreaks and failed attempts of having a romantic relationship? And not just any kind of romantic relationship, but a healthy one.
How I make such a statement and still hold some level of personal credibility? Simple. Because in Paco, I have found what (or better said, who) I set myself to find.
After all that searching -and chasing around-, I finally knew a way to not only find, but also attract and keep my perfect man in my life. And no, he’s not an illusion nor a hologram. He’s actually sitting across my desk, working on our business, while I create this blog.
Your Perfect Relationship Starts with Your Desire
We “stumbled” upon each other in the most casual of ways. Because the internet, and love, know no barriers, we were able to meet each other even when he was living across an ocean from me.
How I came to know my perfect man is actually something that anyone can do. One only needs to have the appropriate tools to find exactly what (or who) we are looking for. And this started after I broke up with my second ex-boyfriend, more than a decade ago.
After putting an end to what was a very unhealthy and abusive first relationship with my ex-boyfriend Liam, I met Aaron. He was the complete opposite of Liam. Aaron was kind and thoughtful, however, after a year into the relationship, the magic of that romantic bubble faded away.
It was no one's fault. We all have experienced this love-bubble bursting after the first couple of months into almost any romantic relationship. That is ok, because this allowed Aaron and I to see each other for who we truly were: not made for each other. As kind and gentle as Aaron was, there was still something that wasn’t “clicking”. I would often feel I had to hide parts of who I was to keep the relationship going. While we did speak about what wasn't feeling good in our relationship, the truth was, nothing was really changing.
We simply weren’t choosing to go together in the same direction, and that was ok.
After a lot of thinking (and grieving), I finally sat down with him. I told him I couldn’t keep going with our relationship. It wasn’t a fun moment, but it was what needed to be done. This opened a door to something new: I felt the nudge to take stock of these past relationships. I got clear on what I wanted and what I didn’t want out of my perfect romantic relationship.
Without knowing it, I was creating my first Love List, something I’d come to learn from my Spiritual Teacher after finding their body of work.
In this first list I made, I wrote down everything I desired from my perfect love partner. And I mean everything. How I’d like him to be with me, how I'd like him to be with others. His shared desires in regards to our life together, and his traits. Everything. No stone was left unturned. Being clear on my core values in a relationship is key. You need to know exactly what it is that you are looking for in your perfect romantic life in order to have it.
Learn The Lessons
Like everything in life, our experiences help us learn. We learn what we like and what we don’t. What we desire, and what we don’t.
Each experience is an opportunity to know more about ourselves and get clear on what it is that we desire. Do we desire to experience pain, or joy? Do we desire to feel fulfilled, or empty?
Knowing the answers to these questions is key. Is what is going to help you redirect your energy from what you don’t desire towards that which you do. And the result of doing this is simply magical and life changing.
After my first relationship with Liam, I learnt one of the most important lessons of my life: there is absolutely NOTHING that justifies being mistreated in the way that I was during that relationship. Although I learnt this the hard way, it's a lesson that stayed with me throughout these last 20 years.
From my relationship with Aaron I learnt that settling for less was never a real option. After more than 3 years together, and on the brink of getting engaged, I just couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see myself in a relationship where I’d be waiting probably years for something to change. If it wasn’t working now, despite our attempts to make it work, then nothing on the outside would make it work.
Moving in together wouldn’t have made it work, and even less so, having kids together. If anything, these things would have accelerated our discrepancies and brought up what was already obvious: we simply weren’t working out as a couple. Our core values weren’t in alignment with one another. So, what would be the purpose of giving years of my life to a relationship I already knew was gonna fail?
Do Not Settle
I know, being honest with ourselves and our circumstances isn’t always easy, or fun, but is necessary. We owe it to ourselves to be extremely clear with what it is that we truly want. No one is going to come and show it to us, it is in our hands to give, and gift, this to ourselves.
There was no friend nor family member who could come to me and tell me what my desires are or were. I needed to figure this out on my own.
Yes, I too experienced people telling me that what I was looking for didn’t exist or that it was impossible to achieve. Or that my expectations were too high and that I should settle for less. However, they were just showing me where they had given up or hadn’t been bold enough to pursue their actual dreams. And if there is something I was never good at, it was at settling for less. There came a point in which I knew I’d rather be on my own than with someone with whom we were simply not meant to be.
Your time and energy are the most valuable assets you have. How you choose to invest these makes a big difference in how we experience life. We can invest them into our wellbeing, and into an overall sense of peace. Or, we can spend it in ways that only leave us feeling bad and drained. How you choose to approach this is entirely up to you.
Personally, I know myself. I’d much rather be the person who chooses to go after her goals and dreams, than the person who settles. I’m not the kind that spends her entire life regretting some (if not most) of my past choices.
Put in The Work, Your Perfect Relationship is Worth It
This of course comes with a “price”. Like everything in life, when we desire something, we must then do something to help our dreams come true. So, how can you apply this in your quest to find and have your perfect life partner in your life?
Simple. We must again, look at ourselves first.
There is a quote from my Teachers. They once asked: “if you are not willing to be with yourself, to love yourself; then why would the person you love desire to be with you and love you?”
Like everything in life, it starts with yourself first. It is you who needs to be clear about your goals and dreams. It is you who needs to be determined and persistent in that which you pursue. And it is you who you must love first to experience that joy and sense of fulfillment you so much desire to have from life. You must become your best friend, companion and lover. You must become your own most favorite person in the world.
How can you do this? By learning how to love yourself unconditionally.
And when I say unconditionally, it really means without conditions.
You screwed up that big presentation at work? You learn from the mistakes and decide to do better next time. You were expecting that friend to call you, but they never did and you lost your whole weekend waiting for them to call you? You learn to better value your time. You just love yourself instead of judging yourself for “not knowing better”.
You simply choose to learn and do better next time, because in reality, that is what these situations truly are:a learning experience. As you do, you will naturally attract your perfect partner, because they will be reflecting every self-loving decision you make.
Keep Them Forever With You
At the very beginning of this article, I said I was looking for my perfect man. Now, what would be the purpose of finding him if not to be with him for the rest of our lives?
You not only can attract your perfect romantic partner, you can also be with them forever. All you need to do is learn how to have a healthy relationship with both yourself and them. Here is our secret to growing closer and deeper in love each day: we practice a very simple, yet powerful exercise. This exercise has been helping us move through some of our major challenges as a couple, and we know it will help you too. This tool is called the Mirror Exercise, which we have learned from our Spiritual Teachers, Jeff & Shaleiaf Ayan. With it, you can connect with how you are feeling about any given situation and find the places within you that require to be loved. Yes, just like I was showing you in the examples above.
By embracing this as a regular practice, you cultivate more love towards yourself. You also become more mature, emotionally stable and capable of communicating your needs and desires in a much clearer and calmer way.
You also learn to set better boundaries in your relationships, providing the space, comfort and joy of being on your own skin.
You become whole again, and as you do, all of your best traits will come to light. This is what attracts the person that is right for you. The one designed to be with you. The one that “gets you” in every possible way. The person we all came to know as our One True Love through movies and tv shows. Only thing is, this time it is you who gets to have your happy ending.
So, if you are ready to meet the man of your dreams, let us show you the way. Your perfect romantic partner awaits.
Déborah Bassow, October 2023