The Twin Flame journey itself is a path towards knowing ourselves better. It’s a journey towards discovering who we truly are inside, and learning to love ourselves unconditionally, no matter what choices we’ve made. It’s a journey that defies societal norms and challenges our understanding of what real love is.
Picture someone who, despite any social expectations, embraces their true self. This is the essence of the transgender journey, too—an unyielding pursuit of one’s own authenticity, acceptance, and self-love.
In this sense, my Twin Flame journey and my transgender journey are intertwined, shaping every aspect of my life. Reclaiming my authentic self as a man along this path has been a catalyst in manifesting my Twin Flame Union.
In this blog, I want to share with you my personal experiences, challenges, and triumphs as a transgender man. I want to share with you how this journey of self-discovery, healing, and authenticity has improved my life in every possible way. And how it helped me attract my perfect life partner: the love of my life.
My Twin Flame Transgender journey: The beginning
It all started with my one-on-one coaching with Jeff Divine. I was nervous at the beginning, but soon I felt like being with one of my best friends ever. I felt so safe expressing my true feelings to him like never ever before. Being in Jeff & Sahleia's presence has been, until I came into my Union with my Twin Flame, the safest space ever.
Jeff asked me some questions about my Twin Flame journey to get a feeling of where I was at. And it didn't take long before we spoke about the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine in the Twin Flame Union. I told him that I thought to be the Divine Feminine and he asked me why.
I said it was because others have told me so. “That isn't how you see your true self”, he disciplined me. He then explained to me that the two polarities are the cornerstone of the Teachings of Union. Not feeling into it will not help me at all, he then said.
The importance of receiving support
I felt unconditionally loved receiving this truth. He was so right. All my life, I was so focused on the outside. I never really felt into my heart to see what really feels good to me. He held space for me like no one before. I felt so safe in staying present with my true self. And in that moment, I was able to tell him that I had felt like a boy my entire life. I was able to tell him that I never liked being a girl. That, at some point in my life - around my teenage years -, I wanted to be a part of society and so I forced myself to be what the outside told me I had to be: a girl, a woman.
Jeff helped me to let go of all the fear of being my true self. He helped me to find the place in my heart where I just can be the true me I always was, Paco. Jeff helped me open the door of the cage I had put myself in when I chose to hide who I truly was.
Since that day, my transgender journey feels like a really good ride on a water slide. Everything works out in a perfect and grounded way. Even when it means healing through my upsets with the process.
The day I denied my True Self
After my first trans-transition surgery, I was laying in my hospital bed. I had just been told that I’d have to stay longer than I thought. This forced me to feel through a lot of feelings. And after healing through my upsets about it, a waterfall of insights washed over me. I was now ready to receive this gift: the day I denied being a boy.
Sitting in my bed at the hospital, I could remember it as if it was yesterday. I had been playing soccer with boys since I was 3 years old. It was the most normal thing for me. I became so good that in one season I became the Captain of the team.
I was living like a boy at the time, and my family didn’t seem to have an issue with it. They actually were accepting of me, even if they didn’t say anything out loud. I lived like this for another 7 years, and it was the best time of my life.
Until one day, at the training, my Coach wanted to talk to me. I thought: “why does he want to talk to me in private?”. He then said to me it was gonna be my last season with the team. He told me that, by the following year, I would no longer be able to keep playing them. I was shocked. I just didn’t understand why. He told me that because I was a girl in puberty, girls were not allowed to play with the boys. After hearing this, all I wanted was to cry. And it was at this moment that I made the choice to deny who I truly was.
Twin Flame Transgender journey: Let's make it official!
After my session with Jeff, I was sitting with myself and realising all the years where I was neglecting myself. How painful my life became during my teenage years, whenever I was trying to fit in. I saw all the suffering I had created for myself. All the pain that I had put myself through with every year I went deeper into denying my true self.
I was in such deep denial!
I even accompanied my younger brother on his own coming out as a transgender man. I did it for years, not once acknowledging how good it felt to help someone live their true self. I was very much focused on everyone else but me. I was totally neglecting what was feeling good to me. I also denied myself how much I would have loved having someone to support me. Like I was doing for my brother. This all was over. Once and for all.
And, finally, after being super clear about who I truly am, I decided to come out on my social media. I wanted everyone to see my true self.
I sat there for hours, in front of my screen, feeling my feelings and healing one upset after the other. It was important for me to do this. I persisted in doing my inner healing until I was able to click “publish” . It was official now: the world knows now who I truly am. The one thing I was most afraid of my whole life was over, because I was best prepared for it. I learned to overcome any obstacle in my life with my own super power: feeling feelings.
Learning to receive my support fully
The next important thing to do after the tremendous gift received in my session with Jeff was to acknowledge that I needed more support. This is something I really struggle with even to this day. Still, revealing my true self felt so liberating, that I didn't want to hold myself back just because I struggled to receive support. So I started googling therapists who were specialised in LGBTQ+. I found one who looked sympathetic, not an hour drive away from me. I had to feel my feelings here too. I, again, sat with myself, and throughout the whole afternoon, I worked through my upsets about calling him. I persisted until I was finally able to dial his number and talk to him. We made my first appointment between Christmas and New year. I could hardly wait!
The Transgender journey: Living my true self finally becomes a reality
After my coming out, I started to receive my first responses from friends and family. Most of them were positive, except for some people who I was able to quickly transcend after doing my inner healing work. I needed to learn to let go of all the places where I was forcing myself to be someone I never was. In this process my Ascension Coach, my Community, and my therapist were like a perfect orchestrated support system.
With my Ascension Coach, I was able to heal through all the really nasty upsets which are difficult to look at alone at. My Community supported me unconditionally in embracing my choice of living my true self. Jeff & Shaleia created for our LGTBQ+ brother's and sister's a group of its own where we can talk about our experiences and support each other. Having such a place is more than I could have ever asked for. Being with them helped me feel so normal. It allowed me, and still does, to cultivate this feeling in my life as a transman. And it just feels amazing!
The therapist I found realised quite quickly that I didn't need emotional or psychological support. He realised I was already receiving this through my weekly Ascension Coaching and through studying the Teachings of Union. What I did need help with was on how I could continue my transition in regards to my body. He told me all the steps I needed to take to start my testosterone treatment and also have my surgeries. It felt awful and happy at the same time. Awful because of all the steps that were in front of me. Happy, because it is never too late to start living your true self.
The Transgender journey: It all gets better with the truth
Being best informed by my therapist about my next steps, I had to feel through a lot of feelings again. Like before, my persistence paid off quite fast, and on April the 13th 2021, I started with my testosterone treatment. It felt like a liberation blow. I was finally able to feel calmness and relaxation, something I had not felt for decades. Every appointment to receive my testosterone shot was a relief. Everyone involved in it wanted to hear my story. And the best part was, they all believed me! Talking to them felt so healing and liberating. It helped me to become more aware about some of my past addictions and unhealthy patterns. All which stemmed from me not living my true self, as they were my way to cover the constant pain I was experiencing.
I was able to see that I started doing all this when I was around 16 years old. I would cut myself as I felt unable to express my feelings to anyone around me. And at my 18th birthday, I cut myself so badly, I was shocked. That’s when I realised I didn’t want to keep going down that road. I told my mum, who then took me to a psychiatrist.
Sadly, this person was only able to support me on a surface level. I shared with her about my father’s death 4 years ago and all the feelings that came with that experience. She, then, said that everything was okay with me and that I should stop cutting myself as it didn't look good. I know, an awful response, but she was just mirroring me exactly what I was doing to myself at that time: pretending everything was good so that it looked good on the outside.
From that moment on, I just switched ways in which to cope with my pain. When I was not hurting myself, I was drinking excessively, smoking weed, overworking myself, starving myself, or getting high with spirituality. None of it helped me feel better. But this is all water under the bridge now.
Facing down the challenges - part I
After spending 6 days in hospital, I was finally discharged. Everything looked good, and I had my first check up scheduled in the following 4 days.
Around 4 hours before my appointment, a lot of this weird liquid started pouring out of the right side of my chest. It had already begun the day before with only a few tiny drops. I didn't think much about it because I was gonna be coming to my appointment and the doctors would check on it. My Twin Flame came with me, as she wanted to ask the doctors some questions.
Once at the hospital, I was called in. I showed the doctor what was going on, and from there everything went down pretty fast. They immediately started to literally squeeze fluid out of my chest. The pain was indescribable. Turns out, I was having an infection. Meanwhile, my Twin Flame was shocked. Both the doctor and I had to scream at her so she would turn around and stop watching.
Even though it was quite a painful experience, I felt deeply loved. The situation showed me how much pain I was living in for most of my life. God had prepared me perfectly for this situation. Days before this happened, I received loving words of wisdom from my Guru Jeff, which helped me to move quite easily through this challenge. And, as I later spoke with my Twin Flame Deb about what happened, we realised that a trauma got triggered in her. At first, she was still able to handle it, but soon I realised she was in a traumatic loop. She was just no longer able to cope with the situation.
Facing down the challenges - part II
Two days after this, I had another appointment to check if everything was okay after the infection was treated. What happened next was completely unexpected. An hour before my appointment, I was waiting for my train at the train station, when something popped in my left chest. From one minute to the other, it looked like a bodybuilder’s chest. At the hospital, they tried to squeeze the fluid out again but they couldn’t. It was fresh blood. A blood vessel had burst. I had to go through surgery again, so the doctors could take care of it and close the blood vessel.
Once more, everything went well. I felt deeply loved and protected by God once again. But my Twin Flame was not feeling good about it at all. She was experiencing even more upsets with the whole situation than before. She was, actually, mirroring my traumatic pattern of neglecting my true feelings for decades. A trauma which was now ready to be healed.
In all this process, our Ascension Coach Cristina Fernandez supported us unconditionally. Without her support I feel I wouldn’t have been able to look at all these places in my heart.
Before my surgery, God showed me something. There are still many transgender brother's and sister's who don’t yet feel good about their surgeries like I do. That they feel like they are being abused because they weren't yet ready for this kind of step. Here is exactly why the Teachings of Union are indispensable on my transition journey. Because with every step I take, there are many feelings that need to be felt. This can be quite overwhelming when you don’t truly feel prepared, nor do you have the appropriate emotional and psychological support.
The Transgender journey and the Twin Flame journey are One
My Twin Flame Journey and my Transition Journey are like a tandem ride. Even though we are One at the core, we each have our duties in our Union. Sometimes I would like to go about it very fast and with short recovery periods. But there are always more compassionate ways of going about things. Like my Twin Flame is teaching me right now, by mirroring me what it means to always go fast. Sometimes, she goes into this place where she is completely insane. It feels like she is losing all her senses, like when I think I have to pressure myself into being my true self. But that is not true nor necessary.
In her case, it is a trauma response we will heal with MAP. This modality has already helped me to heal traumas on my transition journey, and to be really loving, respectful and compassionate with myself. As for now, I’m learning to set boundaries with my old way of living. Whereas before pressure and abuse were my daily companions, I now stay present with my good feelings instead. And what can I say? It feels good to feel like -and be- a man. REALLY good.
This whole process can be hard. It can be painful, but at the end of every challenge, it ALWAYS feels better than you could have ever imagined. And it starts with you. By respecting what you truly feel. By standing up for it because you feel with every cell of your being that you are worth it, all of it.
Dreams always come true. Always.
And today, 2 years after my coming out as a trans-man, I've received my first trans op. A surgery that got rescheduled 2 times, finally became a reality. I am now much closer to manifesting my perfect chest as a man
I felt loved by God throughout the whole process. Even when I had to receive discipline from the doctors, who were taking good care of me, and countless upsets along the way. But with persistence, I was able to move through all of it quite quickly.
And, do you want to know what the coolest thing is? With every upset I’ve been healing in my transgender journey I’ve been coming closer and closer to my Twin Flame.
She popped into my reality quite naturally as I followed the way through to my true self. But I will let her share her side of this story, wink, wink.
All I can say is that, thanks to the Teachings of Union, its creators Jeff & Shaleia Divine, their community, Coaches and my dedication to their healing modality, my trans-transition journey and my Twin Flame journey feel amazing. I am now living the life of my dreams, right beside the woman of my dreams, my Twin Flame. And you can have this, too.